you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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