Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
