I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
