hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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