my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Someone signed my nipple.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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