i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
