dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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