I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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