Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
