My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
