He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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