dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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