I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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