can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can text with my tongue
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
