There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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