Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
