That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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