I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
