Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
