i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
