I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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