Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
