There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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