What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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