Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
