WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
