take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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