yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I party with great urgency now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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