he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
