I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Randomize
