Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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