my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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