New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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