i wish starbucks made bloody marys
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
