I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
