She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
