She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
