im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
