Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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