you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
