The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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