My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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