I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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