Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
