My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
