I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
