Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
