I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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