New low: just hacked my moms facebook
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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