there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
they're like a gay fantastic four
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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