I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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